The End of 2009
It’s that time of year again– “the most wonderful time of the year.” New beginnings, new possibilities, new adventures just on the horizon… but somehow, as the end of this year and the beginning of the next approaches, I feel relief rather than the usual nostalgia.I feel a sense of urgency to finish the new year rather than a laid-back enjoyment of these final few days.
My family suffered a very hard hit personally when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Though I smile on my face and dismiss it as only stage 2, easy to treat, she will be fine, inwardly, its hard for me to ignore the cold fear that still manages to creep into my conscious and my mind. The prospect or even possibility of losing someone so important, and such a pillar of strength in my life…it’s hard to describe. In the beginning of this academic semester, I was so driven to do well. I wanted to hurry up and graduate, get a job, marry and have children just to make sure my parents will still be alive to see me go through these most important stages of my life. I didn’t care if others perceived me to be overly serious about schoolwork, or in an overly serious almost-married relationship. I didn’t care of my friends thought I was boring for never going out to parties and having fun. In my mind, I was driven by a sense of urgency that nobody else could really understand. To be honest, I have lead a paranoid and lonely existence this year. I rarely hung out with my friends and mostly buried myself in my room, only seeking attention and solace from my boyfriend. I thought I would do very well in my classes. I even stopped working so that I could have more time to study. In the end, though, it all feel apart. I fell apart. During finals, though I was physically and mentally exhausted, I found myself tossing and turning on my bed, unable to fall asleep for 3 days straight. I ate maybe one meal a day and lost some weight as well. Honestly, I felt like I was losing my mind. My room was a mess, my sleep schedule was a mess, my life was a mess. I developed gigantic dark circles and puffy eyebags around my eyes that have lingered even to now. All I wanted was for it to all be over. Needless to say, my grades also reflected the chaos that was my life.
Maybe I’m merely experiencing the general phenomenon of “sophomore slump,” but to me, it feels much more personal than that. I feel like there is a certain lacking of strength in my character. I feel a sense of disorder in my life. Maybe those Taoist philosophers were onto something. I need to find a balance in my life. A balance between being driven and motivated, but not stressed to the brink of insanity. A balance between finding time for friends and sustaining my long-distance relationship. A balance between a carefree happiness and a resolute seriousness that will take me somewhere in life. That is one of my greatest hopes for this new year–to find some balance in my life…and hopefully some peace with myself as well.
This year, I also feel like there has been a lot of death around me. Annie Le, the pretty doctoral student working in a lab just 15 minutes away from my dorm. Andre Narcisse, the student in in my graduating year who died on Halloween possibly because of some sort of overdose, and who many of my friends knew. Donna Colon, the lunch lady that served us breakfast ever morning in our residential dining hall. The 40+ chickens that my mom raised from chicks that were mauled, dismembered, and killed by wild dogs who didn’t even kill to eat. Life really is too unpredictable and too short. I must be grateful.
Instead of making a new year’s resolution this year–a list of petty things like losing 10 lbs or washing the dishes everyday or getting all As–I want to think about who I am as a person… and how I can find the same strength, conviction, determination, and character that my mom was seemingly born into.
I hope that everything else will fall into place.