Memories

I just wanted to tell you all about the worst transportation service I have ever had to deal with— Connecticut Limo (CT Limo).

The first time I waited at Phelps gate for the CT Limo to take me home for thanksgiving break, I was sitting next to a woman waiting for Primetime to go to the airport. She angrily told me she has had the worst experiences with CT Limo several times and now she has switched to Primetime. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but within 10 minutes, I started to realize that exactly why she so hated CT Limo.

First of all, the website has a fine print policy that if you’re late to your ride, you will be fined $50 (more than half of the ticket price!). I was 15 minutes early to wait for my ride but 30 minutes passed with no sign of CT limo to NYC except one CT limo bus parked across the street. I walked over to ask that CT Limo driver, very nicely, whether he knew when our bus would arrive. He rudely answered “It’s only been 15 minutes right? Be patient.” So the man was a douche, whatever. The important thing was that I had a flight to catch. I wondered, though, why they should fine us for being late if they couldn’t be on time themselves, but I shrugged it off.

What I was not okay with, was the fact that they make no mention whatsoever of where I should wait at the airport on the return trip to be picked up, or the fact that I had to register at ground transportation or else I will not be picked up at my scheduled time. I spent 20 minutes waiting outside after my flight had arrived only to be told that the bus was full and I would have to wait another hour for the next bus because I did not wait inside at ground transportation.

So I called CT Limo to clarify this whole situation. Was I going to be fined $50? Why did I not receive instructions at the time of purchase how to take the CT limo back? (turns out instructions were given halfway through the purchasing process in **fine print at the bottom of the page and after you check out, it is never to be seen again). This is what the CT Limo representative said (in a extremely rude and bitchy tone): “Uh, I have been here for 10 years and that is just how it has always been. I’m not going to argue with you about this *click*” And she hangs up on me before I can even say another word. That was kind of the last straw for me.

Then, to top the night off, the bus driver very suddenly put on his brakes (because he was following too closely) on the highway, and we got rear-ended hard by the car behind us. Stuck on the highway for another hour while the police came and made the report. The bus driver then yelled at another customer, who was still asking about reimbursement for any damaged luggage, and the drove off while she was still at his drivers window trying to talk to him. He said that since it was technically the other car’s fault, CT Limo would not be responsible at all for damages.

Honestly, I am surprised CT Limo is in business at all. Why would people not just take Primetime, which I have observed while waiting for CT Limo, is consistently on time, with affable drivers who make sure each registered passenger is on, and has a ticket price that is $30 less expensive? With all the other better and less expensive transportation methods, there really is no excuse to take CT Limo.

Don’t make the same mistake that I did.

There is a quote floating around somewhere on the web that goes something like this: “The beauty of first love is in the belief that it will never end.” I loved this quote when I first read it. There was something beautifully melancholic and wise about it, even if I could not fully grasp its meaning. I sensed the dangerous tone in it that warns us of love’s ephemeral nature. Yet I feel it is also telling us: cherish this beauty if you are lucky enough to be experiencing it.

When it comes to love, I’ve never thought about myself as being a romantic. Whoever believes in true love’s kiss or love at first sight or even love that lasts forever? That’s the fluff from fairytales that only the truly naive dreamers still believe. Dream on. At the same time, I’ve never really taken to the cynics either. I feel that people completely cynical about love shut themselves off to the remotest possibility that love could ever happen to them…which is a shame. They’ll never even experience the magical illusion that they are in love. I guess I’ve been caught in between…wanting to believe in the possibility of some glamorous “true, unconditional love,” yet not wanting to be just another young and naive girl.

(I hope, whoever you are, you are not reading this for answers. I just wanted to share a personal experience. It’s my hope that by sharing this, by writing this out, I may come to some greater understanding about myself.)

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When I first met Leo, you could say it was our first date, he was sitting over a bowl of pho at what was my favorite little restaurant at the time. His head was bowed down very low over his food, and he mostly peered over the rim of his bowl if he even looked at me at all. His back was perpetually concave and he’d occasionally stutter over what to say. He was shy and insecure and inexperienced with girls. That was my first impression. And although his quirky mannerisms were not attractive to me in the least, I was attracted in a different way. I was intrigued. I knew that he was very smart. My physics teacher mentioned that he did the entire AP physics C exam on the first day of class and only missed one problem. I also knew that he liked poetry and writing music because although we weren’t quite familiar with each other, he would periodically share some pieces he had written with me. He had a pair of very deep set and expressive eyes too. He was weird. And I was intrigued by what he was, and even more so, what he could become. To me, guys who were confident, self assured, and well socialized and situated in life were somewhat boring. I liked guys who had a story behind them. And this Leo kid, he was interesting.

As I got to know Leo more, he was weirder than I thought. And, ugh, he was a romantic. After dating two guys who thought they wanted to marry me while I was still in high school, I thought I was over those. But Leo, who was more of a dreamer than either of them, continued to intrigue me. He believed in sacrificial, unconditional love. His emotions were often intense. He was profusely apologetic over ever little “wrong” he could think of that he did. He had big dreams of saving the world. He was addicted to video games, so much so, that he said he’d wake up installing the game, and go to sleep crying and uninstalling the game. In a sense, he was like a little boy, groping around for some warm hand to hold and lead him to where he should be. I could tell that he liked me. Some days he would wake up early at 6 in the morning just to give me a wakeup call for class. Whenever I came home from school, he’d be waiting at his computer to chat with me. He would talk to me as I fell asleep. He told me that he could be the older brother I never had, someone who I could lean on. Even more touchingly, he told me that he expected nothing in return. He’d be a rock that lends support, but doesn’t ask for anything back. Because he said this, sometimes I’d nickname him “shi tou ge” (rock brother, in Chinese).

I thought he was silly. From my experience with past bfs, guys always get angry and hurt when girls don’t reciprocate or put in equal effort to the relationship. How could there exist someone who only wanted to give and never wanted anything in return? How could someone be so naive? I was skeptical, but he was convincing, not just in the way he treated me, but others was well. I remember times when he’d have 5 tests the next day, and if a friend were to ask him for help on their homework, he would gladly and willingly help without mentioning his own work at all. He would give out everything in his wallet to someone on the street who asked him for money. He treats children with the kind of patience and care that I, who love children, could never measure up to. He promised that he would never leave me. I thought, if he really was this kind of selfless and caring person, he deserves much better than all the unrequited love he had experienced in the past. He was deep, soulful, a thinker, and a dreamer. He was beautiful, and I had never met someone like him before.

The first few months of our relationship were wonderful. I loved watching as he slowly came out of his shell. He started looking me straight in the eye when he talked to me. We started holding hands. At my prodding, he stopped hunching his back. Even my friends marveled at the changed person he had become. Kristy said that when she first met him, he looked like a caveman…but now she’d rank him an 8/10 (9/10 if he worked out). Vishnu told me that when he first met Leo, he thought he was weird and wondered why I was dating him…but now he was really cool. Cooler than me. But as Leo gained confidence, he also lost a lot of his quirks. And a lot of what I had originally loved so much about him.

Maybe I made him a more selfish person. I yelled at him when he gave away $10 to a “guy who had a cellphone and needed $30 for a cab ride home.” He doesn’t give out money to people who ask him anymore. I told him to stop helping people when he has lots of work to do on his own. I told him to stop sleeping with his 10 year old brother because even 5 year old little girls sleep by themselves (or at least, I did). I broke up with him twice, once for lying to me about playing Starcraft for a month behind my back (and because I was hurt that he was even late to pick me up on my birthday because he was so tired from playing Starcraft all night). Once for some other reason, probably also related to the fact that he was perpetually late and didn’t keep his word. Leo, who was once so giving that he was willing to do almost anything for me, now realized that my demands were too high and too much for him. He stopped writing me emails every night after I had gone to sleep. He stopped calling me to say goodnight every day before we went to sleep. The number of random loving texts I received throughout the day dwindled. He became more busy and stopped humoring me like he used to when I was whiny or in a bad mood. A few times, even when I was crying, he would coldly ignore me. Slowly, he changed.

And maybe that’s just a natural progression of relationships. Eventually, when two people become very comfortable with each other, they reveal different a different side. This happened not just with him, but with me too. I was no longer constantly supportive and pleasant. When I was unhappy or just in a bad mood, I no longer covered it up. When I was angry, I yelled at him. When I was upset at him, I’d hangup on him and ignore him. When I was lonely, I demanded his attention. It’s hard to tell who changed first or when our relationship shifted to include negative emotions as well. There was once a time when I believed that we could never get in a fight. There was even a point where I thought for sure I would marry him. And, there was once a time when I believed that he would never break up with me.

After all our trials and tribulations, I realize that I do love Leo. In previous relationships, I never saw myself marrying the guy. I’d think about all his flaws and how I couldn’t stand them or live forever with them. But Leo was different. A couple of times I wanted to give up, true. But in the end, I still wanted to be with him. I would miss the tender, caring, and giving side of him. I would miss the little boy that needed my hand. I would miss the happy Leo that was out of his shell and relaxed and just enjoying the time passed. I would think about all the silly plans for the future we had together. There were times in our relationship that I still had some doubts about Leo. He was short, and I hated that. As with many girls, I wanted to marry a tall and handsome guy who was mature and established (rich wouldn’t hurt either). But over time, I stopped noticing his height completely. And I mean completely. Something that used to bother me a lot, no longer has any bearing in my feelings. I could accept if he ended up being a poor professor (teaching is something he loves very much). If he ended up deformed from a car accident or something, I’d be willing to take care of him forever. I’d still want to be with him. There was no point where I suddenly realized that I loved him. Love was a gradient, and I was simply slowly moving up that gradient. But love is not unconditional. If he had still believed in unconditional love today, maybe I might too. But we’ve both changed.

Today, he told me “You add a lot of stress and pressure to me. I don’t know if I will be happy with you.” Then he left me to myself to think about it. He has broken up with me before, in the heat of the moment. But this the the first time I’ve heard such candid words from him. He knows that I will feel hurt, but he decides to be honest anyways. This is really uncharacteristic of Leo. Usually, if there is something he feels will hurt me, he would rather lie to me or keep it to himself. While I was once so sure that Leo was different from all the guys out there and that he would love me forever and ever, I suddenly realized today that feelings can change. I realized that while love can be genuine, it does not necessarily last or mean a happily ever after. I told him that he did not have to stay if he didn’t want to. He told me he knew, but he wasn’t sure yet, so he’d let me know later. His words were a shock to me, but I felt eerily calm. And you know what? The first thought that came to my mind was:

“The beauty of first love is in the belief that it will never end.”

In the end, I have been just another naive girl. I have not found glamorous unconditional love. But I have loved.