Memories

I think I’m like a balloon sometimes. I get filled up with thoughts, feelings, “qi” (chinese for anger but phonetically “air”) and it builds and builds until I seriously just want to explode. Most of the time I don’t quite explode though. I call Leo instead and then bounce around the room and off the walls spewing angry words (kind of like an balloon would release qi in real life). I don’t think it really benefits our relationship, but it does help me let off some steam in a timely manner.

There are two other things that really calm me down:

1. A good night’s sleep

2. Writing

Too bad most of the time the angry chemicals in my brain refuse to let me sleep and I lack the patience to find a paper and pen to write. I could type here but then all my personal problems would be known to the world…and we can’t have that. On the outside, my life should appear perfect to you guys.

I’m actually not full of qi today. I actually feel quite empty. Like I really want to say something, but I don’t know what. But that’s the neat thing about writing. You can feel empty, write about nothing, and end up feeling less empty. Not a bad deal, eh? Or maybe it’s just me.

Anyhow, I shall try not to make this post too boring lest I bore myself in 10 years when I reread this. I had a talk with my mom today about relationships. She has this way of gently infusing me with the cynicism that I need to move on in life. Believe me, sometimes you need a bit of cynicism. Sometimes, a lot. She says that when you like someone and they have a big flaw that you can’t stand, you either let go, or stand it. Because expecting that they will change for you (yes, even in the name of love) will only lead to hurt and disappointment. Maybe I’m only stating the obvious, but it’s taking me awhile to come to this realization, even as it is thrown in my face. Instead of waiting for the other to change, my mom says, I should change myself, change my expectations, change my methods of dealing with it. That’s when I start to understand how hard it is to change. For example, I really can’t stand lies, however big or small. How can I bring myself to let the small ones go? It’s very hard. And even if I do “accept it” on the outside, I know that I still do not completely accept it on the inside. I tell myself that it’s not a big deal, just let it go. Still, I want to yell at the liar for it. I want him to know how I feel about it and I want him to stop lying. That’s me. That’s how hard it is to change. It’s not that I want to stand on some sort of moral upper ground and chastise those beneath me, it’s just that I was brought up to treat honesty as a very black and white subject. On a side note, as Tony Fan says, I’m going to be such an Asian mom. I can feel it too. My kids are going to be in so much trouble for lying to me that they are going to quake in their boots even thinking about lying to me…well, at least I hope they will haha.

But now that I think about it, I don’t think my mom was being cynical when she told me that. It makes a lot of sense rationally. The only person who can really change a person is that person himself. So the case is not completely hopeless. If someone really cares enough about the other, they will change for that person. We’ll just have to see if I care enough.