Memories

This morning, I was sonicating some tissues in lab and all of a sudden I just had this urge to write. I have a lot on my mind. The beginning of a new semester has just started and I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish this year. Make new friends? Exercise? Do well academically? Balance extracurriculars better? But these goals seem so typical and mundane…they are pretty much what I tell myself at the beginning of every year. I actually feel a different kind of pressure this year–more like a pressure to grow up. When I visited Leo at Pittsburgh (which, by the way, I have a fantastic impression of and may write about later) last week, I was struck by how much older and more mature medical students seemed, from the way they carried themselves to the lilt of their voices and the way they articulated sentences. They all seemed so at ease, so professional, and so adult-like, which brought to my attention that many times, I still do not view myself as an “adult.” I wonder if acquiring the sense of being an “adult” is a natural process, or whether we have to consciously work at molding ourselves into that class.

Then, I started thinking about what it really means to grow up. I think what it boils down to is a heightened awareness of and consideration for others. In developmental psychology, it is well known that children lack this empathy. Children are unable to fathom that another person’s view of the world may be different from their own. That is why a common method of disciplining a child is by asking them, “Well, how would you feel if someone did that to you?” I think that as we grow into adults, we become more and more aware of how to act in socially acceptable and mature ways, and as we start forming families that we have to take care of, we learn to place the welfare of others before our own. I’m not trying to box being and adult to an “awareness of and consideration for others,” but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think it’s a big part of growing up…and I’m still struggling with it in many regards. Maybe some people are born to be more considerate than others, to be more outgoing and confident than others, to be more organized and responsible than others. Maybe it comes naturally to some people, this whole process of growing up. But for me, I have to think about it. Maybe this is the year to start working on it as well.

The past three months I have left this blank because the events that have happened in my life have been too personal and too hurtful to share. Maybe one day I will fill this hole back in. Maybe I’ll write a script about it. Who knows.

In any case, the summer is almost over and I have yet to come to any new realizations or epiphanies on life except that if we all want to live longer and age slower then we should probably reproduce less so we’re not in competition for scarce resources. Also, blockbuster and reader’s digest are going out of business. Blockbuster’s demise we could all see coming from miles away…but reader’s digest!?? I guess nobody buys magazines anymore when we can just read everything online. Someday someone is going to write a history textbook and a big chapter in it will be called “The Digital Revolution.” (Or maybe somebody already has?) Think about how much the world has changed in 20 years, how much information and media have been compressed. Pretty soon the only thing that will still be brick and mortar will be UPS/Fedex…and maybe a few groceries stores and warehouses. I bet we’ll even be able to skip the doctor’s office get a physical online. Maybe there will be a silly system where we type in our symptoms and a doctor will pop up in a webcam screen and tell us he’s shipping our prescription to our door. Generation Y will all take super upgraded Ipads to school instead of books/notebooks/pens. Already we have kindles to replace the physical book. Change is too fast too furious. I guess we’ll just have to adapt and see.

I was talking to a Joy yesterday and she mentioned something that caught my attention. She said that if you’re around the people in Hospice, you’ll find that some people are cantankerous and unhappy while others are dignified and at peace–and the difference is how they lived their lives. That’s why some of us worry about our future plans and goals while others of us live in the moment. We use totally different strategies, but the driving force is all the same: we’re given this one chance, and we all want to do it right. So, once in awhile, it’s nice to think about whether the things you’re doing in life right now really, truly make you happy and are worthwhile. Things you can look back on and be proud of or reminisce fondly about. And are you surrounding yourself with people you really enjoy being around. Because in the end, when you are stripped of all material goods and all control over your own body and destiny, all you have left are those memories… and those people you love.

Self-discipline,

I want you. I will do whatever it takes to woo you, and when you are finally mine, you will be mine forever and we will walk hand in hand down the path of life to find happiness.

Love,

Maylene

—–

Spontaneity,

Shhh, don’t tell Self-discipline but let’s have an affair.

XOXO

You know who

So I took a romp in the backyard.

Makes me wish I had a paddle boat.

Always fun to take pictures of the sun. Good thing we now use digital cameras.

They live in my backyard but I couldn’t find them so had to make do with this.

Nature makes orange look so pretty.

I thought it was funny that the baby rock was just on top of the momma rock like that. I didn’t put it there…

It was nice to take a solitary journey out in the woods today. Normally I would feel sad that there wasn’t someone to share the experience with, but today I kind of appreciated it. Life is like that, isn’t it? Sometimes, we’ll walk a stretch of road alone and the grass will seem greener on the other side. I say, ignore the green grass. Look at the trees instead.

have already found the perfect words to describe how I’m feeling in this moment in time:

1. 有一种爱叫做放手

2. Way Back Into Love

3. 萍聚

4. Leona Lewis–My Hands

5. 望情水

6.一個像夏天一個像秋天

7. 世上只有妈妈好

8. 阳光走在风雨后

9. Lonely No More

10. 伙伴

11. Beautiful girl

(If you are an important person in my life, see if you can pick out which one is about you : P Dad, you belong with the 世上只有妈妈好 category)

So many words already written to the tune of my feelings. Is there need to write a blog post and be redudant? (Just kidding about 11, by the way)

But really, I’m glad this break is finally coming to a close. I enjoyed the down time and spending time with family, but I am so ready for the gears to pick back up again. When there are places to go and things to do, I don’t get as tangled up in useless thoughts and emotions.  This blog is slightly annoying me now because there are some things I want to write about, but I don’t really want to share with the world. Thank god there are private boxes for those things.

I miss being a kid. I was in the car with my parents the other day and my dad goes, “琳琳, 看! 那儿有马!” I glanced over and shrugged. Then my dad said, “琳琳长大了不好玩儿了, 小时侯一说有马,她会从车椅子上蹦起来说”哪儿呀!?哪儿呀!?” 然后拔在窗户那儿看.” It’s true. That  kind of childish sense of wonder is hard to come by again.

Also, I was nostalgically looking through old photos in my camera and found this:

Kristy Gao, this is you using my camera and embarrassing me in the movie theater when we went to watch “Up”.

I’m listening to the duet by Mandy Moore ft. Jon Foreman–Someday We’ll Know right now and happily drowning myself in melancholy.

The truth is, we may never know. And maybe some things are better left that way.

I’m reminded of an old karaoke song I used to sing when I was 6:

I Whistle a Happy Tune

Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect
I’m afraid.

While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
And whistle a happy tune
And no one ever knows
I’m afraid.

The result of this deception
Is very strange to tell
For when I fool the people
I fear I fool myself as well!

I whistle a happy tune
And ev’ry single time
The happiness in the tune
Convinces me that I’m not afraid.

Make believe you’re brave
And the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
As you make believe you are

—

The truth is, when you’re stuck in an emotional rut, you don’t need anyone else. You can always pull yourself out.

The question is whether you want to or not.

After taking my American lit seminar, I have come to think of everything in binaries. It’s kind of obnoxious…but also really neat.

“Nothing exists in itself…[if] the tip of your nose or the crown of your head be slightly chilled, why then, indeed, in the general consciousness you feel most delightfully and unmistakably warm.  For this reason a sleeping apartment should never be furnished with a fire, which is one of the luxurious discomforts of the rich.  For the height of this sort of deliciousness is to have nothing but the blankets between you and your snugness and the cold of the outer air.  Then there you lie like the one warm spark in the heart of an arctic crystal.” -Moby Dick

Probably one of my favorite passages in all of American Literature.

If you think about it though, you can’t “think” without knowing what it is to not think. You can’t feel happiness without having experienced some sort of unhappiness. You don’t know what is red without having a comparison of all the other colors of the rainbow. Red does not exist in itself. And, of course, there’s love–the spectrum on which all of the people you know lie, relative to one another. How strange it is to think of the world in this way. But it is a great answer the old question of religion, “Why, if God is so great and pure and loving, did he create misery, sin, death, and destruction?” How would we understand  and appreciate “good” without knowing what is bad. How could we live and appreciate life if there was no death?

If you’re silly enough, this could really be a coping mechanism for all your problems. Everytime you experience a heartbreak, a disappointment, a failure, just think how without these setbacks in life, you would never be able to appreciate what’s just around the corner.

Therefore, as I turn 20, and as I grow older every year, I hope I will never become truly cynical. That would be a most miserable bubble to live in.

The weather in GA was amazing today. I know, how boring of a topic can I talk about. But it’s definitely something that stood out to me as I took a walk outside and watched Lucky frolick in the grass. There was a slight breeze. It was not too hot, and sunny and shady all at once. I felt so peaceful, happy and at ease, and all my troubles were forgotten. I can’t remember the last time I slowed down my life enough to feel that way…